“I can’t fix this and I don’t have the energy to try”

Zach Van Dyke February 15 2010 - 4 Comments

It was late in the evening. I had worked a 14-hour day. We just returned home from a bible study I was leading and I was bracing myself on the other side of the counter looking in at my frustrated wife standing in the middle of the kitchen when it hit me – we don’t have a good marriage.

It was a debilitating epiphany.

Kelly was my girlfriend in 5th grade. I remember thinking how beautiful she was (still is). She had hair that looked like curly fries (still does). We had even gotten in trouble for kissing on the playground. Even though I didn’t grow hair in certain areas until I was in High School, I was still an aggressive 10-year-old. We dated in High School. Married in college. Now eight years and three kids later we stood across from each other confused, unable to communicate and pretty much depleted.

How did this happen?

Hardly a day goes by that someone doesn’t tell us what a great couple we are or how cute our family is.

I felt an incredible numbness. I couldn’t move. I didn’t want to. I didn’t want to pursue her. I spend 50 plus hours a week pursuing people. That’s my job! When I come home I want to rest. I want a break. I just want to watch TV.

Does she not know that? Have I not shared with her all the affirmation I have been receiving from the people I’ve been pursuing? Does she not know all the good I’m doing? Does she not know that people need me?

How did this happen to me?

My dad owns a commercial tile construction company. During the summers of my High School days, I would work for him. I hated it. But tonight the thought of laying tile, even though it is hard, laborious work, seemed so restful. Maybe if I were a tile-setter I would want to be the “spiritual leader” of my family, because I don’t now. I don’t have the capacity.

Earlier that same day I was preparing a lesson on the feeding of the 5,000. Before Jesus performed this miracle, he asked Philip, one of his disciples, “Where shall we buy bread for these people to eat?” The author then tell us that Jesus already knew that he was going to solve the problem miraculously.

So why did Jesus ask?

When confronted with an overwhelming need or a debilitating epiphany, what’s our response?

Philip’s response was “It would take almost a year’s wages to buy enough bread for each one to have a bite!”

Looking at my 5th grade girlfriend, grown-up and heartbroken, my response was “I can’t fix this and I don’t have the energy to try. At least not right now. I have a few things I have to get done at work first. Right now all I want to do is watch TV.” And that’s what I did.

Standing in the kitchen I knew what my response should be. I still know what my response should be. It’s part of my job to know the right response. But even as I write these thoughts down, evoking pretty s*!tty feelings about myself (please don’t go back and read my previous post…you will all turn on me), I still don’t really want to turn to Jesus with my overwhelming need.

Another of his disciples, Andrew, Simon Peter’s brother, spoke up, “Here is a boy with five small barley loaves and two small fish, but how far will they go among so many?”

Jesus said, “Have the people sit down.” There was plenty of grass in that place, and they sat down (about five thousand men were there).

Jesus then took the loaves, gave thanks, and distributed to those who were seated as much as they wanted. He did the same with the fish.

So glad it’s all about grace.

Zach

My First Time

Zach Van Dyke January 11 2010 - 11 Comments

When it comes to writing, I often procrastinate until the last possible moment. Whenever I get an email from Cathy reminding me that my next article for PoopedPastors.com is due, I usually decide it’s time to rearrange the books in my office, cut my toenails, and catch up on my television watching…there always seems to be an episode of Law and Order: SVU on some channel that cannot be missed.

This time when I received the email, I decided I had been negligent about my Facebook correspondence and needed to spend some time “catching up.” While feverishly “liking” people’s statuses, I came across a status my wife had posted on December 26, 2009 at 11:47pm.

Kelly Van Dyke sitting in the front row of an empty sanctuary listening to Zach preach!!!

After spending a few moments thanking God for giving me a wife that would listen to me practice my first sermon into the wee hours of the night, a thought crossed my mind that could lengthen my procrastination.

I know Kelly journals. Maybe she would allow me to post her thoughts about that first sermon for this week’s article. (more…)

He Knows How You Feel

Zach Van Dyke December 08 2009 - 3 Comments

“I know how you feel.” (Don’t say it. Just don’t say it.)

As I was driving to the home of a Ray and Trish and their 5 kids – Daniel, Andrew, Patrick, Caroline and Stephen – four of whom are or have been part of my student ministry, I kept repeating to myself: “I know how you feel.” (Don’t say it. Just don’t say it.)

Pulling up to the home, I was overwhelmed by the number of people that had already gathered in their front yard. People were crying and embracing, walking around stunned. I immediately walked over to a group of students who looked like they had all taken a slam to the gut by a 2-by-4. It had only been 30 minutes since Trish and her 5 kids learned that their husband and dad, who had been missing for the past 24 hours, had taken his own life in a wooded part of their neighborhood. (more…)

Heroes/Heretics

Zach Van Dyke October 15 2009 - 7 Comments

hero – [n.] anyone noted for feats of courage or nobility of purpose, especially who have risked or sacrificed his or her life.

heretic – [n.] anyone who does not conform to an established attitude, doctrine, or principle.

So the other day I wrote that Kay Arthur is teaching heresy on my facebook page.

Now before you post a comment or write KeyLife…

I, Zachary David Van Dyke, am in no way stating in this blog that Kay Arthur is teaching heresy and I will not be using this platform to comment on Kay Arthur and what she teaches.

And I know she has pointed many people to Jesus…every single one of my mom’s friends who are on facebook let me know…and yes, I have read all 40-plus comments that have been posted on my facebook wall about the great, life-changing precepts of Kay Arthur. She is a hero to many.

But this got me thinking…why does it bother us when someone else thinks one of our teachers, leaders or heroes says something that is wrong or false or heresy?

I decided to do a google search that included the name “Steve Brown” and the word “heresy.” (more…)

Summer Silence

Zach Van Dyke August 31 2009 - 14 Comments

I was working on a cute little article about summer and how as an adult it doesn’t mean what it did as a kid and how as a youth pastor it means non-stop – make sure the fridge is stocked with Red Bull…but then I heard from Him.

Out of the three summers I have been a youth pastor, this by far has been my most successful with the highest numbers and greatest excitement among students. Camp was amazing. Participation in service projects has been phenomenal. Students have taken initiative in speaking the Gospel into each others’ lives.

This has been a hard summer for me. Much harder than the past two. (more…)

Cannabis Confession and Construction Contemplation

Zach Van Dyke April 22 2009 - 4 Comments

I really want to smoke weed.

I’ve never once in my 28 years had the slightest desire to smoke weed…until now.

Why now? Why is there an inescapable burning in the bowels of my being to smoke weed?

Because I’m a youth pastor.

Seriously, the reason I want to smoke weed IS because I am a youth pastor. I have racked my brain for weeks trying to uncover where this unmentionable desire (more…)