This past semester I opened each class session of Theology of Ministry at the seminary where I am an adjunct professor, with a character study through I Timothy 3 and Titus 1. The qualifications for elder/pastor are clear and while my theological tradition is heavy on the intellectual grasp of the great doctrines of the faith, the Pastoral Epistles emphasize character in Christ as the hallmark of spiritual leaders. Of course it is Christ like maturity AND a grasp of the great doctrines of the faith which much characterize a pastor. I get that. Contemplation on these qualifications has led me to some honest realizations…to wit (as Steve Brown would say)

…I’ve been a senior pastor for some 28 years and I still have a long way to go in spiritual maturity when it comes to these qualifications for elder/pastor. Specifically I am not fully “respectable” (I Timothy 3.2). I still lack love in amazing ways. I’ve found that new life challenges and trials can still be surprisingly difficult even if you’ve walked with Jesus and worked for Jesus for a long time. Pastors have to learn to love through trials and I have had to do that a lot, but even experienced pastors hit major trials when they least expect them. Those trials which I face are like sharp knives that peel layers off the onion skin of my soul…exposing my real character. My core character is seen for what it is and it’s not pretty. The more I follow Jesus the more time there is for trials to expose my sin and thus, the more I see areas to grow that I didn’t see before. Frankly Jesus probably didn’t want me to see that ugly stuff earlier, lest I had gotten discouraged too early on. One guy put it is this way…”The closer you get to the light the more you see the dirt.” That is actually encouraging to me. Big trials that hit do reveal to me my sin more obviously and scream at me as to where I need to grow. I can honestly say that the level of sin in me is sometimes shocking, but I’m not blown away by it like I would have been early on in my life, because frankly I have been trying to stay close to the Light for a long time now. Should I be a Christian and leader with my sin level? Probably not. But my sin is more obvious to me now because I have been trying to stay close to the Light. The sin I sometimes now see in me is the result of His keeping me close. How can I be uptight about that?

…In I Timothy 1:12-17 Paul calls himself the foremost of sinners and I’ll gladly let him have that title. He didn’t glory in the bad stuff he did before coming to Christ, nor his present sins (whatever they were), but that he was loved and chosen anyway and called to be used in expanding the only Kingdom that will survive…Christ’s Kingdom. As I see deeper sin in my life I struggle with the thought of: “There is no way I ought to be pastor with my sin!” I want to feel worthy of my position as a senior pastor. The Enemy wants me to think that way of course. The position of pastor is one in which of course the greater maturity one exhibits, the more one gives evidence that he should be in that position. The position of pastor heightens the pressure to be Christ like. And we should be mature as pastors. I suspect because we aren’t super spiritual in reality and feel guilty for our lack of spirituality, we fake the outward spirituality and put pressure on our people to be spiritual. Better for me to admit the deep sin in my own life and realize that like Paul, I am a pretty accomplished sinner too who the Lord wants to use to reconcile people to God and to each other. A pastor is a sinner-saint on the same journey as his people. Good for me to remember. So should I be a pastor at my level of spiritual maturity? Probably not, but who else is Jesus going to use to lead the flock? I guess I probably will never feel worthy of the position of being a pastor. It might even be the case that the longer we serve Jesus and follow His Light, the more we will see that we really don’t deserve the position of pastor and will feel increasingly unworthy in it. As long as we drink in His grace that probably is a good place to be.

…2 Corinthians 4:7…the treasure of the Gospel in cracked-pots to show that the all surpassing power is of God and not of ourselves. As a spiritual leader, when I see my deep sin, the sin behind the sin (Tim Keller’s phrase) might be to ignore it all and not seek God’s power in my life…and not seek to be Spirit filled and not care about triumphing over this new area of sin which as been exposed. The Lord has and is using my sin to humble me ever more, no doubt part of His intent in the trials He sends. No matter what happens to me, no matter what position I am in as a leader or a non-leader in the church, I am going to follow Jesus. I John 3.2 is one of my hope verses. When I see Him, I’ll be changed and the battle will be over. So I’m not minimizing my sin…and some sins will render me unfit for being a pastor…but to bail out of the pastorate because I am an increasingly aware sinner will be to violate the principle that God uses cracked pots to shine His grace-glory to others. Should I be a pastor with my sin level? Probably not, but at least I know I’m broken and His glory is shining through, and that the only kind of pastor out there is broken like me. So I’m not going to ignore the sin, but I’m going to focus on His grace, and He will help me fight the sin that’s got to go. And I’m going to stay a pastor anyway even though I’m not great at being spiritual. Leadership in the church is difficult. Maturity is difficult. But, well, Steve’s words have helped me so many times…”there are no super-Christians.” My sin, newly discovered or anciently known, is an opportunity for omnipotence to work once again. Even in a pastor.

Stay in the fight with me,

Pete Alwinson

The 6th Day…

It’s January 2010 and I begin this new decade with three decades of ministry laying thick on my soul. Thick on my soul. Heavy. Good and rich experiences and head shaking, “I can’t believe I went through that” experiences. Here I am physically healthy and mentally and emotionally, still quite tired actually after nearly a week in reflection, reading, prayer and study. Well, it’s been since last July that I had time away from hyper drive ministry. 6 months at it straight isn’t wise I know, but stuff happens in ministry and you can’t always get away when you should, if you can even afford to get away. I guess really it’s been 6 months and 30 years. I’m not complaining. I know I’m blessed. I’m at a friend’s home in the North Georgia mountains. I’m sitting on a soft couch in front of a nice fire place writing this. It’s sort of my fault that I haven’t come here before. He’s offered it over and over. Finally I took him up on his generosity. I wonder about my pastoral colleagues…you who might read this. I wonder…have you gotten away, by yourself…do you even have the opportunity I have had this week to do this? I want that for you. We in the pastorate don’t think we can get away or should take time off to study, even though EVERYBODY knows you need a break. (What about the pastor I know who takes a month a year off to study…he’s lasted a long time…mmm…no wonder)The complexities of our lives work against disconnecting ourselves from a very people/program/calendar connected life. We’re usually relationally and programtically overloaded.

Frankly I’m not ready to go back home yet, but I leave tomorrow morning to get back. It will be a drive of faith that I’ll be ready in fact by the time I need to be ready. Jesus does that for us and through us doesn’t He? What a great Savior.

1st Day…

A 7 hour drive away from town singing along with Laura Story (Great God Who Saves) and Small Town Poets…interspersed with Genesis on cd read by a guy with some million dollar voice. Genesis…the people were as dysfunctional and sinful back then as they are today. Genesis of course shows the real world, people as we really are, and our world as pastors. We deal with pride, ego, murders, lies, sexual misadventures, broken dreams, success stories, births and deaths, marriages and funerals, people’s bad choices and good choices. It’s our world and God promises early on (Gen. 3) to do something about it…and sure enough He has. But we still live in the “not yet”. That’s why we need a break. Living in the “not yet” is hard work and if we’re going to help others in the “not yet” of His Kingdom come, we’ve got to get away from it for a time. On the road, away from the epicenter of ministry for me helps me look up, worship, and relax some. Ministry in the rear view mirror means God’s in control back there and I don’t have to pretend that I am. So this week, I’m going to stop pretending that I am in control. Never was anyway!

2nd Day…

With Church Planters in a major city…sharing some of my thoughts on leadership. I love church planters and still consider myself one even though I haven’t planted more than one church (some of them have planted 5! I think they’re supermen) and it was a long time ago. These men are passionate, continual learners, intelligent, great question askers, hungry for help, sponges for inspiration and truth, bonded together for a common task, gifted, experienced. There is something absolutely supernatural about what they are doing…about what we are doing. Yes, ego motivates me, us, in what we do as pastors, but the altruistic call of our gracious God is also a major factor. Some of these men, and some of us are really humble because of past failures. One man I met years ago failed in his first church plant that he restarted three times. His wife left the organizing team of that church. He has one more opportunity to make this church go; hopefully his wife won’t go. What manner of man is this? What manner of men are we as pastors? Called men, seeking to follow our Lord wherever He calls us, and willing to die for Him.

We all could have done something else with our lives. Most pastors I know are so talented that they could have made more money, had more fun, and endured less struggle if they had not become pastors. But that is in the past. We pastors have been selected as warriors in the King’s business. While Warriors need rest, we also need to gather with other warriors, like these church planters. We need resources, interaction, motivation, coaching. We need each other.

Resolved: To spend some more time hanging out with fellow warrior-pastors not to flaunt what I know but to learn what they know…to absorb their humility…to inspire them if I can and to let them inspire me.

Day3…

Aloneness…unhurried reflection…no deadlines…no one to be a mother to…reading…journaling. YES! 24 pages of journal notes in one day? How can that be? A lot gets stuffed down in the course of our busy lives! We feel numb at times…positively numb from all the stimulus we get as pastors. Do you ever feel as though the emotions of other people are pressed into our soul like a French press coffee system? As the mind unwinds thoughts resurface and I get them outside of me and on to paper. That helps. I read and learn, and I am reminded how much other Bible teachers and Christian thinkers have to offer me. Great resources for pastors who have been at it a long time…By Bob Buford, Half Time; Game Plan; Stuck in Half Time; Finishing Well. Great reading…deep…I want to finish strong. I’m listening.

Day 4…

More of the same…I’m amazed that I can read this much, think this much, pray this much, be alone this much. Man I’m an extrovert and I like people. I must have needed this time away more than I thought. In the first half of life we want to be conquerers. In the second half we should be heroes…serving others. I wanted to be a success in the first half but really do find that I want God given significance in the second. We pastors really do go through major transitions in life and I’m in one for sure. Ok…the great adventure continues. What are you saying…where are you leading? What’s next???

Day 5…

Finding your core. To finish strong, find your core focus in life, the you that never changes, and serve people through that core. It takes time and thought and prayer, but we pastors eventually know what it is that gets us up in the morning. Staff or elder meetings? Planning? Programs? Counseling? Preaching? Worship planning? Developing disciples? What is it for you? Gotta know that. Gotta pursue that.

Day 7…

I’m on the way home. It’s been good to be away. Elijah got away, and then God brought him back into the battle. Ministry out my front windshield is coming, and I’m gearing back up. But I have more armor on than a week ago. I thought I would accomplish far more on this study break than I actually have accomplished. But I did get three weeks of sermon outlines done, and three weeks of commentaries read. The constant pressure of every seven days builds up on me and I get into this weekly frantic “gotta get the sermon done”, and Lord please don’t let an emergency happen this week.

Afterwards: Back at work…well, the four days away really paid off…These weeks are better because I have some sermons done ahead…well, most of the sermon anyway…I’m finding that I can listen more this week for what He actually wants me to say to my people in the sermon, because I have some of the spade work of Scripture study already done. Still and all, I have to depend upon my Lord every day. I’m not a superman.

To my pastor friends: As you listen in to my journals, maybe you’ll plan some time away. No guilt here, but you ought to try and make it happen if you haven’t gotten away in a while. I need you, they need you in the game brother.

You take it to heart,

Pete Alwinson

Casualties of this economy are everywhere. The obvious tell-tale signs of economic death are the hundreds of empty offices with brown paper on the windows and trash in the entry ways, malls where your voice echos in the emptiness, and drawn faces of men with dark circles under their eyes who answer, “How you doing man?”, with…”Well…you won’t believe this, but….” No I believe it. Every one of us pastors has dealt with more sorrow in ’08 & ’09 than anyone really knows. Our counseling appointments are up, what 50-75%? More?

One of my elders is responsible right now for shutting down a factory in his hometown. He used to work there, his father used to work there, and many of his friends still work there. He took the assignment because he felt that he could bring about this death more painlessly than any one else in his company. Economic death.

Death is a reality all pastors have to deal with. After a few years, we get used to dealing with the dying, the dead, and those left. But what about when a church dies? No one talked to us about that in seminary and while there is precedent for shutting down factories and warehouses and businesses, there isn’t much written about shutting down a church. I don’t think there was even a mere mention of it in “Theology of Ministry 101”. But it’s happening…churches are closing, and my friend had to do it.

Why in the world did his church close? Call him Dirk (because I think it’s a manly name that Clive Custler uses in his novels, and all of us pastors are manly, right?…except for you wonderful ladies of course!). Dirk was an incredibly committed layman who felt called to the ministry and eventually took the leap into ordination and full time ministry, minus seminary, leaving a well paying job to do so. Most of the guys I know who leave one career and go into ministry seem to leave good jobs, not bad ones. Could Dirk have benefited from Hebrew and Greek exegesis? Sure. Would he have preached better if he had Communication I and II and taken labs with critical feedback at a good seminary? Without a doubt. Would a seminary education have enabled him to have kept his church alive? I’m not so sure.

When Dirk took this church, it was already on life support, having not really ever grown much over 100 people in its twenty plus year history. The congregation was in the early stages of a building program when Dirk became pastor. He jumped in with both feet, led the effort to build the building and got it done. Being the inspirational leader that he is, Dirk called the people to vision, to be generous and regular givers of their time, treasures and talents. He called them to join community groups, be evangelistic, serve others. We met periodically and I honestly don’t know what else he could have done. The church grew to around 130. But then the bottom dropped out of the economy, people moved, giving hit an all time low, bills couldn’t be paid and all the economics of the church went sideways. The bank finally couldn’t let it go on any more and said it was time to call it quits.

Why did the church close? Many, many factors. I’m not smart enough and I was a bit too removed to really know all of them. I am sure that before my friend became the pastor this group of Believers was not well led and well taught in key areas like vision and stewardship. His was a case of too lateness. Some patients could be helped early on in the disease, but not in the final stage. What I do know is that Dirk feels the full weight of this “failure” when previous pastors ought to share some responsibility. But all of that doesn’t matter really. Dirk feels responsible. It’s all on his shoulders, this debacle, this death. Shame, angst, questions all dog him, daily. He’s grieving I know.

What do I do now? I’d like your help on this…what do I do now? Here’s my plan: I’m going to talk to him whenever I can. I’m going to listen to him and let him talk. I’m going to try and give him perspective on where he is. His next steps and vision need to be thought through, prayed through and held up to the light. Return to business? Go with his heart into another pastorate? I’m not the Holy Spirit, and I’ve been a pastor long enough to wish him no more pastoral pain than he’s had, but also know the highs of being used by the Lord Jesus to touch people for time and eternity. Dirk has to follow His Lord’s call, and he will.

Did I tell you this was the second church I know of in my area that closed its doors? I didn’t get to talk to that pastor, but I can guess, because of Dirk, what he felt.

Man, what’s going to happen to my church? Are we going to make it? What do I do if we have to shut the doors? What will that do to my reputation? My ego? Will it be my fault?

What I know and feel right now is that while churches close and die, THE CHURCH never dies. We’re a part of what will never be extinguished! I also know that it could happen to me and I could be the cause of church death,but I’m still loved by my Father. Truly the church is His church, not mine. So today, I’m glad I’m in the company of pastors like you guys, who understand His grace, try to stay out of the death grip of performance, and offer up yourselves every day to your Lord.

In losing our life, we find it.

Next time I’ll write with more humor. Today, I feel solemn joy.

Strength and Courage!

Pete

It’s a Thursday afternoon at Starbucks and I’m sitting with a 64 year old pastor friend of mine, uh, former pastor friend of mine, who three years earlier had been unceremoniously cut loose from the ministry he built from 70 to 400 people over 16 years. His leaders had done it all wrong, even illegally according to church protocol. I can’t help but think while he’s talking, “What good is a Book of Church Order if you don’t follow it? It’s supposed to work, and does sometimes. It’s supposed to keep us from slashing the heart out of the people of God. Ya, but you’ve messed up using the BOCO too Pete. Uh huh.”

“Why do you still have a church and I don’t?”

I’m drinking my Pike’s Peak decaf (it’s afternoon, I’m hyper enough and already caffeined up; have been since 5:30 AM) fast because I have no answer for this one. He’s not attacking me, he’s just in incredible pain…still… after three years, and doesn’t have any answers that satisfy. Do I need to feel guilty because I still have a church to serve and he doesn’t? I know the answer is “no”, but I do. I’ve learned to insulate myself from the pain of others, but my friend is getting under my skin. I feel a lump rising in my throat and wash it back down. But, man, there are a lot of times when I just wished I would have an excuse like his to not be a pastor. It’s crazy work we do. In fact, right now would be a great time to be let go and not be a pastor, but I don’t tell him I feel that way. I’m listening. Scrambling for words. I want to say, “Maybe it’s a gift to you.” I don’t. Maybe I still have a church because the Lord is disciplining me for not having learned lessons I should have learned years before and He’s gonna keep me here until I finally learn them. That’s kind of twisted, but Steve Brown’s words ring in my ear: the first time I heard him speak to pastors after he retired from the pastorate he said: “I’m not a pastor any more…na na na na na na!” I laughed. And was a little envious.

But my friend still wanted to be a pastor. I just keep listening. We both believe down to our toes that God is Sovereign. He talks and I listen with that understanding between us holding us both up.

“What’s wrong with me?”

Oh, cuss…he’s lived with these feelings for 1,095 days…is that not close to unbearable? How many times did I feel that this week? Several. How many times have I admitted it? Zero. How many pastors have felt that for years? Too many to count. I want to cry with him. I can’t. I’ve been too busy, too under the gun, too involved trying to help my church survive these difficult economic times, cut back expenses without cutting back ministry, holding staff together in fragmenting times, dealing with the pain of staff lay offs. I can’t cry; I gotta keep moving forward. But at least I can relate to him and I’m there with him. Have I lost the ability to cry? No, it’s still there, but way down there…

“My wife is angrier than I am; my son hasn’t gone to church since I was fired…well, he did go with some friends last week.”

Great, after three years his wife is still struggling and his son may never want to follow Jesus and enjoy His people again. Add that to the list of incredibly painful things I’ve heard this week. On we talked. He did of course, miss something with his leadership. He missed their slipping support. Didn’t see it or feel it. He missed seeing how the staff member gained power and usurped the love of the elders. What he never accepted fully is that the church bosses who were there years before were still the real human power in the church. One major difference I begin to see in our respective churches is that he was a church developer and I was a church planter. He took the core and developed them. I built the core…and now, all those who didn’t like me left because I was there before them. It wasn’t that I was a better pastor I’m pretty sure. I’d probably made as many mistakes as my friend. The issue was probably more one of power and who’d been there first and longer. There are always some not so very spiritual reasons why some pastors seem more successful than others.

Why did he and why do we miss the signs of lack of support of our leaders? They had to be there! Again my heart sinks just one more notch as I hear the tale of his wife’s long term illness which doctors couldn’t diagnose and his sons teenage rebellion which wouldn’t end and how while dealing with his family, his leadership (fellow, brother elders) stepped away, instead of stepping toward him. Long term trial leads to eventual fatigue. He finally saw the fatigue himself: He was just going through the motions as a pastor. Been there too. Sometimes we see it too late humanly speaking, for them to forgive and reattach to us and us to them.

But the betrayal! Most seasoned pastors have felt the sledgehammer of betrayal…I have and I wanted to go after those suckers…those fellow elders. Sometimes it takes years for a flattened heart to reinflate. When they sent him on a sabbatical and told him not to return, he didn’t fight it. Why? He had no fight left in him that’s why, and any pastor who has been through a long ministry without a sabbatical, with out periodic rests and vacations, knows the feelings.

What would you do if you could do it differently, your ministry I mean?

“Pray more, have a deeper relationship with my leaders, take more study breaks and take some vacations. I wouldn’t tie vacations to our annual denominational meetings…You know, I’ve heard so many pastors say lately, ‘If I could leave this job today with a comparable salary, I would do it.’ When pastors start talking about ministry as a ‘job’ you know you’re in trouble.”

Did you hear of the time Jesus made a quick return to earth for a visit? He came upon a lame man, had compassion on him, and healed his leg. Further down the road, Our Lord came upon a blind man, had compassion on him, and healed him. A little further down the road, Jesus came upon a man sitting on the curb sobbing his heart out. Jesus asked him what was wrong. The man cried out in agony, ‘I’m a pastor!’ Jesus sad down beside him, put his arm around him…and cried too.”

We do experience agony as pastors… and incredible joy. I asked him what he’s the most passionate about in life and he told me. His face lit up, energy pulsed through him (it could have been his coffee though…) We brainstormed a plan and I told him, ‘Go do it…go do it.” I’m not the Holy Spirit but I think at the end of the day, what happened to him was a gift. Now he has the opportunity to reach convergence…his business career plus his ministry career equals fulfilling the reason God put him on planet earth. No distractions. Focus. Grace always shows up to God’s beloved sons and daughters, always, sooner or later. What was wrong with him? Nothing. Absolutely nothing. And there’s nothing wrong with you either.

You take it to heart…

Pete

Cutting to the chase it was a rough morning to follow Sunday’s triumph for Jeff: The shower was broken and some bathroom wall issues resurfaced that had to be dealt with again…what a nuisance…my friends youngest son was sick that night, threw up in a trash can with a plastic bag in it…which stated bag the dog got in the morning and drug all over the house, munching on and leaking out the revolting contents as he (or she or it) went about his (her or it) contented dog way. His wife was out doing her morning run when he discovered all of this so of course he was morally obligated to clean it up. (Ignorance and absence in cases like this does alleviate and absolve responsibility. If he were really spiritual he would have been in the office already, say about 6:30 Monday morning and missed this service duty at home.) Jeff cleaned up the carnage, ran a measly 6 miles for a light workout (for him) and came in to the office (finally) to help his technologically challenged colleague get reconnected. Phone working, he told me that some recording the worship team was going to do this coming Wednesday evening might disturb the Men’s group I lead. It was going to be noisy on Wednesday evening. Thanks for the warning.

In this imperfect world, great Sunday’s are often followed by lousy Monday’s for pastors and church staff alike. Given the saga Jeff told me, when he left my office I reflected and said to myself while shaking my head gravely in affirmation, “Noise is better than vomit. Noise is good in fact, well, compared to vomit. I’m good with noise. I choose noise.” But I didn’t have a choice. Rarely, if ever, do I get to choose between the circumstances I face as a pastor. You know exactly what I mean.

You didn’t choose this economic tidal wave and the financial implications that continue to dog us week after week (the layoffs of people you love and need, tough decisions about missions and programs, talking more about money in church than you might want to; the raises you don’t get and can’t give your staff; the ripple effect of all this seems endless!); the key leader who lost her job and cannot carry out her key ministry as before; the newer Christian who was offended by someone who should have known better and you have to clean up that mess; the suicide; the betrayal; the staff member who doesn’t work out; added ministry responsibilities because of that staff change; the need for changes that you intuitively grasp that you have to make in your church but you have a pit in your stomach (or is it an ulcer), wondering if you have the leadership skills to bring about that change; oh, and the approval thing, who likes me (you) and who doesn’t.

Reality is, we don’t get to choose between noise and vomit. Or much else. Pastors deal with what they get. How are you doing with that reality? Here’s what I’m learning on my grace journey about noise and vomit:

• I’m learning that all of us as pastors get messy “hands” dealt to us. I’m not alone in this present darkness (using a Frank Peretti idea). That helps. I haven’t been singled out for especially rough treatment by my Lord who is just itching to make my life miserable. It’s the cost of doing His business in His broken world. It’s essentially what I signed up for at ordination. Going back to this strong stand-by has helped:

1 Corinthians 10:13
No temptation has overtaken you but such as is common to man; and God is faithful, who will not allow you to be tempted beyond what you are able, but with the temptation will provide the way of escape also, so that you will be able to endure it. (NASB)

You’re not alone and He’s not ticked off at you. Remind me of that when you see me and I will remind you. Ah, Grace is good.

• I’ve learned this too: When you think it can’t get worse, it can. Like my pastor friend discovered who is in the process of shutting down his church. Financial cut backs have come to this. His church is up on the block. Can you imagine that! Devastating. Another church down the street from me has gone belly up as well. These two churches near by serve as sober reminders to me. Could it happen to my church? When you think it can’t get worse, you find that it can. Such we know is life in this world. Cheer up! Reality is good. At times, as Jim Collins says in his book Good To Great, we really do have to look at the brutal facts and go from there.

If it gets worse, and it might, it’s not the end and your life isn’t over. Some of you reading this are sailing along pretty well these days. Great! For many, the seas are high right now. If your boat comes apart He will pick you up on the beach, and escort you to the next thing. Remind me of that when you see me and I will remind you. Grace is good.

• And this: That during extremely difficult times when my leadership role and spiritual maturity is being stretched to the max, that the Father deeply loves me and is fully engaged in helping me grow.

You’ve simply got to get and listen to Laura Story’s new CD, Great God Who Saves. It will put some new “kick” in your stride as you run, or hope in your walk; it will help you say “YES!” to whatever you are facing. Want encouragement & motivation? Read these words from the first song on the CD:

Bless The Lord

You give and take away for my good
For who am I to say what I need
For you alone see the hidden parts of me that need
      To be stripped away
And as you begin to refine, I’m learning to let go,
      To rely
On the One who walks with me, as hard as it may be
You’re teaching me all the while to say

Bless the Lord O My soul, all that’s in me bless Your Name
Forget not your power untold, not your glory or your fame
For you came to heal the broken, to redeem and make me whole
Bless the Lord, O My soul.

Crank that song up as you drive to the office and you’ll jump out of your car, truck or SUV (or off your Vespa as one of my pastor friends does) ready to let Him strip away what is useless and continue building you as He works through you to build His kingdom. After all, who am I to say what I need? He knows best. These times will be better for us than we know right now. Remind me of that when you see me and I will remind you. Grace is good. It always leads to the very best and lasting kind of spiritual growth.

Tonight it’s going to be noisy around our church. That’s better than vomit for sure. I choose noise. Not because I’m a fatalist, but because I’m His Son and He will be in the noise. If I was getting the other stuff, He would be there too.

You take it to heart,

Pete

Back to gratitude. I like hearing that I’m getting through and that people think I’m as awesome as I think I am. But I’ve come to really treasure the statements of delayed gratitude that I get. Do you get them? I received one just the other day from a young man who left our church ticked off at yours truly. Here it is:

Dear Pete:

I was driving to work this morning and I felt the Lord lay upon my heart to send you this email.

Two years ago, when all that stuff went down I reacted with a less than repentant heart. After a few days, I realized my error and I did make a turn from my sins and trusted God to forgive me of my sins and purify me from all unrighteousness (I John 1:9). BUT the one thing I didn’t do was ask for the strength to forgive those whom I felt had sinned against me, as Jesus instructs us to do in His Prayer. The humility of having a private sin made “public” (or at least, to the leadership) was a growth experience, but I sat back idly and soon my humility turned into a misguided piety. I began struggling with self-righteousness and I forgot myself and allowed myself to revel in my own piety. It was foolish of me to think these things and act as the Pharisee did when he “thanked God that he was not like the tax collector,” and I am sorry. (Even now, as I am typing this email the song “Your Grace is Enough” came on the radio.)

All this to say, I am sorry for my poor attitude and my pious actions. I am thankful that the Lord had forgiven me, even though I did not deserve His forgiveness. I pray that you guys would be able to do the same (forgive me for my foolish behavior).

Thinking back on my spiritual journey I am very thankful for BOTH of you and all you have done. I am blessed to have had such godly men in my life. I pray for the Lord’s continued blessing upon you and your families, and WCC.”

Is this a world class letter or what? Pastors would die to get something like this! I save and protect these letters and emails like they’re gold. I come back to them in my “Motivation” file from time to time when I am low or tired or ready to run like crazy away from the church. I read them, savor them really, and after a good meal I’m ready to get back into the battle. Energized. Confirmed. Is justified too strong a word?

Being a pastor is way less glamorous than I thought it would be. The younger staff members who think you’re so antiquated you have nothing good to say; the other staff members who don’t like you but are scared of you; the straight talk you give staff only to have your words twisted and your credibility put on the line; the people you try to help with truth but leave, again casting doubt on your character (my friend above didn’t do that; we really did part as friends); the others in the church who think you were too harsh with the one who left, when in reality you were so gentle you wouldn’t have disturbed an insomniac. The marriages that broke up-the tough truth to both parties you had to give. A young man becomes a Christian and wants to immediately be put in front of the congregation with a high profile ministry role; then leaves the church before you can disciple him.

Glamorous? Why did I ever in my delusional state of mind think the pastorate would be glamorous? Probably reveals that I needed to be affirmed as a person and thought that I would be a “big fish in a little pond” as a pastor, and then I would feel good about my self. Big fish get hooked and hurt just like small ones however. No glamour in the pastorate. Our people have absolutely no idea how difficult it is for us to deliver tough truth. The sleep lost, the stress endured, the time I’m preoccupied with their issues that kept me wrestling and emotionally cut off from my family, the soul searching at 2 AM…all this is seldom if ever known by our people. After all, we only work one day a week. We pastors pay a high cost to serve up truth to our people. “Why don’t they thank me for what I’ve done for them?” Ever thought that? Uh huh, me too.

Well, Occasionally they do. Occasionally.

Sometimes delayed gratitude comes from someone like my friend above. Like almost all of my past staff who were ticked at me who in one way or another said, “I’m sorry, I had no idea what it was like to be a senior pastor. Now I do. Thanks for what you did that helped me.” Occasionally you get a real sincere, “I’m sorry.” And you get the Father’s blessing, and you go back out planting seeds and doing what pastors do.

Why is gratitude to pastors so often delayed? Here are some reasons:

1) Busyness. Life is busy, and people don’t take the time to find us and thank us. Later on, much later, something or Someone (the Holy Spirit?) motivates them to thank us and they do.

2) Some people figure we’re in this work to absorb abuse and that we don’t want or need their apologies or thanks. They couldn’t be further from the truth of course, but some people think that we knew what we were getting into when we became pastors and that thanks aren’t needed. We’re paid to put up with bleating sheep so they are convinced. Some wake up and know they put their pastor through more than the average wooly critter.

3) True growth into Christlikeness is often slow and painful for Christians and it takes a long time for our people to see what God was up to in their lives and how He used us to play a role in their growth. When they finally grow, they may have forgotten the role you played in their growth and not say “thanks” or “I’m sorry” at all. Even if they could track you down, they might be too guilt ridden or embarrassed to say anything to you. But gratitude is delayed to those who deserve it from those who are disposed to give it simply because it takes so long to grow. Our work often takes years to bear fruit.

Ultimately, I have had to grow to realize that I did not follow Jesus into this work to be thanked by people. Increasingly, my identity is determined by Him and not people or results. Increasingly, I said. I’m not there yet. I’m still too into gaining people’s approval. And at least, to this point in my life I have not lost my head (John the Presbyterian) or had my blood spilled (check out Hebrews 12) as a pastor. (I have come really close to having a much bigger guy tackle me in the parking lot one night. He was really angry! If that had happened and I’d lived, it would have made for a great article to pastors. I’m sort of sorry it didn’t.)

So when the Lord gives you the gift of delayed gratitude, sit back and enjoy it. Read it several times. Savor it. Share it with a couple of close friends who can rejoice with you. Chances are you didn’t go through that incident alone. Thank God for it. Save it. Put it in your motivation file. Pat yourself on the back…you did fight well when you had too! Write your “gratitude” back and thank them. From then on, you’ll probably be closer than you thought. Enjoy the satisfaction of difficult ministry done well and right. You have been justified in what you did to show tough love, and those brothers or sisters are better off for you having done so. You were Christ’s warrior when you need to be.

Which is how we should always view ourselves. Warriors.

See you back in the battle, whether they thank you or not.

Strength and Courage,

Pete

Still, I like “Lucky Jack” a whole lot. He’s my kind of guy. Remember the movie? Captain Jack Aubry uses all of his seafaring talent, skill and experience in leading his men in battle against the French Frigate Archeron. It was a mismatch for sure; the 29 guns of the HMS Surprise to the 47 guns of the Archeron. No way Aubry could defeat one of Napoleon’s finest. But with the use of creative maneuvers and deception, they not only defeated the Archeron, they captured it! Master and Commander!

After talking about the movie, my friend Bob told me it came from a novel by Patrick O’Brian, and I had to read it. My conclusion: Great novel, but never has a movie deviated from a book more than in this case! Ok, the movie reflected major themes of the book, but the story line was completely different. What the movie perfectly captured though, was the character of Captain “Lucky Jack” Aubry. He was truly a renaissance man: cultured, smart, good sense of humor, an educated warrior who played the violin. But he was a warrior: physically strong, bold, courageous, violent when he needed to be. A tactician, risk taker, never say die kind of leader. For sure a Master and Commander.

Like I guess I thought I would be as a pastor. How about you? Did you think you might eventually become the pastoral equivalent of a master and commander? The ministry of the church is so diverse and so many things have to happen well and at the same time for the church to be healthy and growing, that we pastors often don’t feel like we’re masters or experts at anything! My son Jon tells me that his business prof said that in three years in the average job, a worker will reach his top level of competency. He will probably make more money over the years as he continues to work of course, but he won’t become appreciably more competent at his work. Zig Ziglar, in his book Better Than Good, talks about the “Ten Year Rule”: It generally takes ten years for a person to become proficient in their profession. Three years or ten? Hey, I’ve been a pastor for 30 years…can we talk? Out of the 16 major plates a pastor is expected to keep spinning (Pagan Christianity? Viola/Barna, p.138) I feel I’m not spinning many of them well, and I’m a master in none of them! American culture keeps changing on me faster than I can keep up. I think I’ve figured preaching out and then, bam, the culture changes and I wonder if I’m getting through. Future Shock is here…a Master? Come on Fred.

Want to talk about being a commander? Do we even need to go there? Leadership is not the strong suit for most pastors, and we can become exhausted by working so long as leaders outside our main strengths. By the way, what is your strong area of giftedness? What is the one major area you do well? Teaching, preaching, counseling, evangelism; it might be leadership. Great! The fact is that strong leadership is necessary for church growth. Commander pastors who build larger churches can’t act like military command generals, but they do figure out how to command in a Christianly acceptable way.

For many of us, trying to be Master and Commander Pastor will exhaust and crush us, and maybe even our people. Here’s what helps me. I have to recognize I’m a bit neurotic and need therapy (that’s what Steve Brown says anyway-it’s nice having such a supportive mentor.) I often feel hyper-responsibility and lose sleep because the church isn’t growing as quickly as I think it should or doesn’t have enough tithers or finances; or a member doesn’t like our worship quality or we’re too much of a community church and we don’t do the age niche thing well for them. Pastors all understand each other at this point! Sometimes I just have got to stop being so neurotic and go for a run or go plinking. Amazing how blowing up a few plastic bottles can really brighten ones day. John Maxwell told us at a conference once, how, when golfing, he would write the name of a difficult member on the ball just before teeing off….

I’m also more comfortable with trying to master one or two areas of ministry and stop thinking I’ll ever master the 16 competencies of a pastor. But I’m sure going to try and find others who do really well what I don’t. Regarding being a commander: there are times when you simply have to take a stand and tell staff or your people what you want them to do without giving a million reasons. Smile and say, “That’s not our philosophy at our church” when someone wants to institute something that won’t work. “I don’t see us ever doing that” is a legitimate statement a leader can make. Step out in faith and trust Jesus (John 14:1-2). Command when you need to, then go rest up if it wears you out.

Steve and I have been talking about that simple faith and love that guys like George Beverley Shea exhibit. Steve was with him at a conference recently and commented about how refreshing it is. Ah, simple faith and trust; a simple love for Jesus and people. I use to have more of that and want it again. I want to end my ministry well, being a more simple, loving Christian man; a little less neurotic. Jesus doesn’t expect me to be a master. He’s the master. He wants me to find joy in using my gift and putting in place people to use their gifts. Teamwork is fueled by grace. At times I need to command with a smile. And then get some ice cream and leave the results up to Him.

Pastoral “Lucky Jacks” we may never be. But we might be! I’m just praying you’ll be the you Jesus wants you to be where you are serving, no more, no less. There is only one Master and Commander, and we work for Him.

“You can’t; God can!
You are inadequate;
He isn’t.”
Jill Briscoe

“In this case, moreover, it is required of stewards that one be found trustworthy.”

I Corinthians 4:2

Fight the Good Fight of Faith, praying for you…

Pete Alwinson

Well…it didn’t happen quite that way, but a well-respected, nationally-known Senior Pastor of a large, downtown Presbyterian Church said to me once as he was pointing to his office carpet, “A lot of blood has been spilt on this carpet.” Pastoral conflict. Sounds banal and bland. How about war? War may be a better word. Sometimes the pastor is involved in conflict that reaches war-like proportions. Agree? I’ll tell you right now, had I known how much conflict I was going to experience as a Senior Pastor, I would probably have never gone into the ministry. Now, I’d read the Gospels and Acts in Bible college and, of course, in seminary. I saw the conflict in extending the Kingdom of God in God’s Word; I mean, you can’t miss it! But I failed to appropriate it for myself! I was as na‹ve as could be when I first became a Senior Pastor, dealing with and absorbing conflict I never had to face as a Ministry Intern or Youth Pastor.

You know what helped me deal with conflict? It was really helpful when I started talking to other pastors and found out they had gone or were going through similar battles. Frankly, it helped me more when I found out they were taking a beating worse than I ever took, but that’s my depravity talking. What seemed to help me grow and persevere was swapping war stories. The more you tell and listen to war stories, the more you relax, and learn, and laugh, and realize that we really are warriors in a cosmic battle that Jesus has won, but we still have to fight. In time, you actually can rejoice in the fact that you’re a warrior and have got the scars to prove it. One time, in telling a huge war story to my compassionate mentor Steve Brown, he laughed at me and said, “Why did you do that?” I told him and in a non-judgmental way, he replied back, “Well, it’s the best thing that has ever happened to you and in five years, you’ll know it.” His was the laughter of experience. He knew I’d survive. He knew Jesus’ church didn’t hinge on my mistake. He also knew I was taking myself way too seriously. He’d been there before. And Steve was right. Five years to the day, I felt better!

I love this war story: When he was younger, this pastor friend of mine simply could not get his elder board to make a decision. He would bring up a business item and they would talk about all the implications of it and the direction they could and should go, but they would never make a decision and he would end his meetings in frustration at time wasted. But, at the next meeting, that unfinished business item would come up first, be briefly discussed and a decision quickly made. It took a few months before he figured out how work was really being done…er…his wife figured it out. She heard the elder wives talk after session. After the elder meetings, the elders would tell their respective wives what the issues were, the wives would get together to discuss the issues, reach consensus, and deliver to their spiritual-leader husbands the decision, which the elders would then convey to the pastor, and it would be done. Until, in one meeting in the pastor’s office, again stonewalled against making a decision, the young pastor picked up the telephone on his desk, held it out and said to the elders: “Want to call your wives?” They sheepishly grinned…then laughed at themselves…and an actual decision was made on the spot.

Now that’s a gutsy move by that young pastor! When he told me, I stuck up my arm and went “Ya! You brought it, man!” It’s a great war story that gave me courage as well as a model of how to deal with a tough ecclesiastical issue. Look, I’ve got scars and love to talk about them, and so do you. We pastors need to tell our stories and learn from one another so we can stay in the fight.

You remember these great texts…

1 Corinthians 10:13 (NIV)

13 No temptation has seized you except what is common to man. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can stand up under it.

2 Corinthians 1:3-4 (NIV)

3 Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, 4 who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God.

OK…join me in the anonymous pastors forums. Let’s tell one another our war stories…which are stories of Grace! Go for it, brothers, and fight the good fight. Stay in it!