When will I feel what I believe?
Lea Clower October 25 2010 - 1 Comment
As a recovering alcoholic, Pharisee, rager, perfectionist, people pleaser, addict of all sorts, one driven by his feelings and not the facts, an “investor” of thousands of dollars and hundreds of hours in treatment facilities, psychiatrists, psychologists, recovery groups and literature…I’m tired. “Sick and tired of being sick and tired!”
My new favorite book is Valley of Vision: A collection of Puritan Prayers & Devotions. My humble opinion has become that the Puritan heart, like mine, was in such pain over their spiritual poverty and sin, that they first beat themselves, before they allowed themselves to run into the arms of our loving, forgiving, accepting (because of Christ) Father. And like Rahab and our dear friend Hester Prynne in the “Scarlett A,” grace and forgiveness are seemingly bargained for and/or earned.
Reading again, “Living Prayer” (pages 266-267), this morning, I was struck by the conclusion “…that there is no wrath like the wrath of being governed by my own lusts for my own ends.” Searching for love in all the wrong places. Believing the lies of the accuser and the committee in my head. Trying anything and everything to make the pain go away, only to find that only He can do that. One drink was always too many, and one hundred was never enough. One angry explosion certainly gave me power and control, but it also made me the king of an empty castle.
I am so grateful for the Lord’s patience and his servants, both Christian and non-Christian, who have helped me drain the swamp even while I was up to my eyeballs in snakes and alligators. Those who helped me tame those killer dogs that I thought would eat me alive if I stopped running, only to find out that when I turned and faced them, they had no teeth.
My personal comment at the conclusion of the prayer reads: “Psychology can help reveal, uncover, and deal…Theology can forgive, cleanse, remove, and renew.” If there is a science of the body, there is therefore a science of the mind. Though a wounded heart is infinitely more complicated than a broken leg, the “truth (really) will set you free”…analysis, not blame, will uncover the wound, rather than continuing to put pitiful band aids on an infection that must be exposed to the light to heal. And the theology, the study of God, must be more Hebrew than Greek. To study God is to know God, not just know about Him.
It may take you years, but don’t give up until the sun shines, or should I say the Son shines, and you can see His light in the dark pit of your sin and despair. He’s been there all along…right there in the midst of what we know as life…our “cesspool of sin and sorrow.”
Don’t get me wrong, my favorite bumper sticker is still, “Life Sucks, Then You Die,” but not so much any more. I’m just beginning to feel what I believe…when you’ve seen Jesus, you’ve seen the Father, and He sure is kind and cool.
Take what you can use and leave the rest, or leave all of it, I just wanted a few of you to know, I understand. “Been there, done that, got the tee shirt and the tattoo…’read, tattoos and scars’ but they are fading and healing because His grace made me willing to do whatever it takes to get to the real Him.”
Obsession with My Inabilities
Lea Clower August 30 2010 - No Comment
So called “humility” in the Christian community is really a mask for “pitiful me” pride. The “self deprecating personality” is often an artificiality of the worst kind. “Oh, it wasn’t me, it was God” is often used as an opportunity for the speaker to compliment me again.
An elderly Chinese woman had two large pots, each hung on the ends of a pole which she carried across her neck. One of the pots had a crack in it while the other pot was perfect and always delivered a full portion of water. At the end of the long walks from the stream to the house, the cracked pot arrived only half full. For a full two years this went on daily, with the woman bringing home only one and a half pots of water.
Of course, the perfect pot was proud of its accomplishments. But the poor cracked pot was ashamed of its own imperfection, and miserable that it could only do half of what it had been made to do. After two years of what it perceived to be bitter failure, it spoke to the woman one day by the stream.
“I am ashamed of myself, because this crack in my side causes water to leak out all the way back to your house.”
The old woman smiled. “Did you notice that there are flowers on your side of the path, but not on the other pot’s side?”
“That’s because I have always known about your flaw, so I planted flower seeds on your side of the path, and every day while we walk back, you water them. For two years I have been able to pick these beautiful flowers to decorate the table. Without you being just the way you are, there would not be this beauty to grace the house.”
Each of us has our own unique flaw. But it’s the cracks and flaws we each have that make our lives together so very interesting and rewarding. You’ve just got to embrace who God made you to be and how He wants to use you, warts and all.
So, to all of my “crack pot” friends, have a great day and remember to smell the flowers on your side of the path!
Self loathing, Satan, and critical Christians often attack especially pastors with similar feelings, thoughts, and accusations of “I’m a failure.” That just isn’t true, and as our friend Steve says, “That’s from the pit of hell and smells like smoke.” You and your weaknesses/inabilities are part of your wonderful uniqueness so that Christ will be revealed in and through you. And, get this, you are filling a place in the universe and history that only you were designed to fill. Go with the peace, grace, and new “obsession” that you are “fearfully and wonderfully made.”
“Jesus is always Jesus, but…”
Lea Clower July 05 2010 - 6 Comments
Jesus is always Jesus, but He relates to each one of us uniquely. Each of us has an individual perspective/perception of Him. I must not try to have the same relationship with Jesus that you do, even though it is with the same Lord, savior, brother, and friend.
Years ago, I was in Orlando staying with Steve and Anna…”behind every great man is an even greater woman!” Steve married “way up!” If you haven’t met Anna, you need to. Anyway, I asked Steve if I could go to the office with him the next morning and just be with him, watch him, get a feel for his time with the Lord. The kind, compassionate, gentle friend said with such mercy, “NO, you can’t go with me. I don’t share that time with anyone!” You always love a friend even when they tick you off, so I was gracious, forgave him, and left town…not because I was mad, but because it was time to go home. Now that I’m a lot older and a little wiser, Steve (as much as I hate to admit it publicly) was right.
Let me illustrate. (more…)
What I’ve learned about “Quiet Times”
Lea Clower May 10 2010 - 1 Comment
My good friend Jim Suddath played basketball for Duke in the early 80’s when they went to the final four. We worked together on the same church staff for 13 years and had a lot of fun, especially since I graduated from North Carolina, Chapel Hill. I used to call Duke, “Durham Community College” and he would say, “At least I did more than drink my way through school!”
Anyway, I will never forget the time I said, “Practice makes perfect” and Jim corrected me by say “Perfect practice makes perfect.” I’ve thought a lot about that over the years, and it is so true. If you practice bad habits, you simply perfect what’s wrong. I was a Navy flight instructor, an LSO (Landing Signal Officer) in Pensacola, FL teaching jet students how to land aboard ship for their first time. Every single landing at the field in preparation for going to the ship and every arrested landing aboard ship was graded, critiqued, and debriefed. This was true for the rest of their career as carrier pilots. “Arriving alive” wasn’t enough. It had to be done exceptionally well, and especially at night. Interestingly enough the grading system still let you know you weren’t perfect and that there was always work to be done. A “perfect” approach and landing grade was an OK. OK, underlined, with no comment. A near perfect pass was still just an OK. For a perfectionist like me, basketball, carrier landings, life, and “quiet times” can be real bummers. (more…)
Finding the Perfect Place
Lea Clower March 16 2010 - No Comment
This stuff is only for the sick, screwed-up, dis-eased, and dysfunctional. If you aren’t any of these, you are (1) wasting your time reading (2) in denial or delusion, and (3) going to write me a nasty letter, please don’t, I’m doing the best I can here.
These are my opinions, experience, insanity, and thousands of dollars and hundreds of hours in seminary, the pastorate, and therapy (and some time with the Lord) to become so “brilliant” and make such outrageous statements.
My hope is to help a few, or at least let them know there is someone “out there” who is just as out there as they are. Like Alcoholics Anonymous, my favorite friends with whom I share a similar fate, one drunk helping another drunk stay sober (not just dry) one day at a time…sounds a little like the Christian life doesn’t it?
Finding the Perfect Place…My Obsession with Externals
If I had the right job/church, then… (more…)
