When the smoke cleared, there were some bodies on the floor of the pastor’s study. He’d had it with these few elders who seemed experts in stonewalling progress while poking holes in his fragile ego at the same time. This had gone on for too many years. Sometimes pastors are pushed too far. This “pistol packing padre” had reached his limit and eliminated his ecclesiastical opposition forever…you should have seen the terror in their eyes when he pulled out his .45…
Well…it didn’t happen quite that way, but a well-respected, nationally-known Senior Pastor of a large, downtown Presbyterian Church said to me once as he was pointing to his office carpet, “A lot of blood has been spilt on this carpet.” Pastoral conflict. Sounds banal and bland. How about war? War may be a better word. Sometimes the pastor is involved in conflict that reaches war-like proportions. Agree? I’ll tell you right now, had I known how much conflict I was going to experience as a Senior Pastor, I would probably have never gone into the ministry. Now, I’d read the Gospels and Acts in Bible college and, of course, in seminary. I saw the conflict in extending the Kingdom of God in God’s Word; I mean, you can’t miss it! But I failed to appropriate it for myself! I was as na‹ve as could be when I first became a Senior Pastor, dealing with and absorbing conflict I never had to face as a Ministry Intern or Youth Pastor.
You know what helped me deal with conflict? It was really helpful when I started talking to other pastors and found out they had gone or were going through similar battles. Frankly, it helped me more when I found out they were taking a beating worse than I ever took, but that’s my depravity talking. What seemed to help me grow and persevere was swapping war stories. The more you tell and listen to war stories, the more you relax, and learn, and laugh, and realize that we really are warriors in a cosmic battle that Jesus has won, but we still have to fight. In time, you actually can rejoice in the fact that you’re a warrior and have got the scars to prove it. One time, in telling a huge war story to my compassionate mentor Steve Brown, he laughed at me and said, “Why did you do that?” I told him and in a non-judgmental way, he replied back, “Well, it’s the best thing that has ever happened to you and in five years, you’ll know it.” His was the laughter of experience. He knew I’d survive. He knew Jesus’ church didn’t hinge on my mistake. He also knew I was taking myself way too seriously. He’d been there before. And Steve was right. Five years to the day, I felt better!
I love this war story: When he was younger, this pastor friend of mine simply could not get his elder board to make a decision. He would bring up a business item and they would talk about all the implications of it and the direction they could and should go, but they would never make a decision and he would end his meetings in frustration at time wasted. But, at the next meeting, that unfinished business item would come up first, be briefly discussed and a decision quickly made. It took a few months before he figured out how work was really being done…er…his wife figured it out. She heard the elder wives talk after session. After the elder meetings, the elders would tell their respective wives what the issues were, the wives would get together to discuss the issues, reach consensus, and deliver to their spiritual-leader husbands the decision, which the elders would then convey to the pastor, and it would be done. Until, in one meeting in the pastor’s office, again stonewalled against making a decision, the young pastor picked up the telephone on his desk, held it out and said to the elders: “Want to call your wives?” They sheepishly grinned…then laughed at themselves…and an actual decision was made on the spot.
Now that’s a gutsy move by that young pastor! When he told me, I stuck up my arm and went “Ya! You brought it, man!” It’s a great war story that gave me courage as well as a model of how to deal with a tough ecclesiastical issue. Look, I’ve got scars and love to talk about them, and so do you. We pastors need to tell our stories and learn from one another so we can stay in the fight.
You remember these great texts…
1 Corinthians 10:13 (NIV)
13 No temptation has seized you except what is common to man. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can stand up under it.
2 Corinthians 1:3-4 (NIV)
3 Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, 4 who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God.
OK…join me in the anonymous pastors forums. Let’s tell one another our war stories…which are stories of Grace! Go for it, brothers, and fight the good fight. Stay in it!
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December 12th, 2008 at 8:51 pm
Pete,
Your words speak volumes. I am old enough and been around enough to have seen and heard the same things.
I told a session once that if their wives would take their arm out of their back, their lips would not move, and they would colapse as pupets.
How often when elders speak, we heard words of elder wives. I know that is not what we have taught them, but since Adam men colapse at the breath of their wives.
Thank You for your post.
Shepherd to Shepherd
December 26th, 2008 at 11:26 am
Pete – Thanks for the words of counsel and encouragement. I too did not realize, naively so, how difficult ministry would be. The past six years were very dark for us. I’ve had to recalculate the cost of ministry.
I am please that the Lord has seen fit to allow me to continue to minister, though now in a different church.
The struggles were the hardest things I’ve ever endured. Though I would not want to revisit those struggles, I am thankful to the Lord for the lessons learned.
You are right about the fellowship of Pastors. Their eyes offered a very helpful perspective to me in my struggles.
I anticipate this website being a great help to other brothers in the trenches!
Thanks – Phil
January 8th, 2009 at 11:36 am
Wow Clint! Bold stuff you said. But so often true. I do think pastors have to become progressively discerning, evaluating what their elders say, and knowing who really said it (their wife or them!). Having said that, I like it when an elder comes right out and says, “My wife thinks…” or, my wife and I have come to think”…. I can handle that, and wouldn’t want a man to be an elder unless I could respect the input of his wife. I know that we are all influenced heavily by our wives. By the way, in our church we do not ordain women to the office of elder and that bothers some people as you can imagine. I tell them, “We always have a woman’s view presented in our leader’s meetings. Our elders are good at presenting their wives views, and we want to hear them!”
Clint your line is great…”Since Adam men colapse at the breath of their wives.” Wow…that’s good…I’ll quote you once, then it’s mine!
Strength and Courage!
Pete
January 8th, 2009 at 11:42 am
Phil-
Thanks for your comments man…amazing how much conflict there is in the church. And there is more to come!
A fellow pastor and I were talking the other day on the phone…he was discouraged and asked me if I ever feel like leaving the pastorate. I hesitated in responding…and he said, “No, you probably don’t ever think of leaving.” No…my hesitation was, “When was the most recent time I thought of leaving!” Hey…it’s tough work we do. My friend Tom who is a church planting coach and church consultant said: “We’re in a crazy business!”
Still, it’s kind of cool to have been through a lot, seen the Lord “cause all things to work together for good”, and live to preach another day. I wonder if that’s what old military vets feel…”I wouldn’t want to go thru that again, but I made it!” There is some gritty comfort in being a vet!
Strength and Courage Phil!
Pete
January 12th, 2009 at 6:10 pm
Pete,
Steve told me something similar when I first had a conversation w/ him about the wheels coming off my wagon during the pastorate I had just left. He told me I’d be grateful for the experience. I thought he was nuts, but 2 years later and in a fresh pastorate w/ fresh perspective and a crap load of freedom I realize he was so right. That experience was ruthless and dark, but it has given me a totally different perspective on ministry and more importantly the people I deal w/ in ministry. The colors are brighter, the smells are sweeter. I laugh harder and love greater because I’ve found His grace is deeper than I thought it was. This forum is a great idea and I know it will help pooped pastors. I look forward to plugging in, sharing the scars, weeping with the wounded and watching Jesus show up. Great stuff guys.
January 16th, 2009 at 2:20 am
Dear Pete,
Just because I said it doesn’t mean it belongs to me. Take credit for it. It is the part of the gospel. The part that man fell and ever since we don’t want the authority God gave us, and our wives want it.
It can be seen almost everywhere.
In case you others missed it above, here it is again: “Since Adam men colapse at the breath of their wives.”
What is sad is even I struggle with the truth of our broken lives and our fear of saying and doing what is right.
Don’t get me wrong. I have a Godly wife who loves the Lord, and doesn’t despise the ministry that God called me too. She just likes to tell me what she likes and doesn’t like.
Pete, I am working on realizing that God breathed into man the breath of life. Since the fall, the breath of spouces sometimes causes us to be mellow our approach to problems, or side step them altogether. And I have to admit sometimes it has felt like the right thing to do.
I don’t have the answers, or is that my wife talking. I do know that God called me to serve. I also know he gave me my wonder and precious wife. If only I wasn’t so broken, and she wasn’t so broken.
And yet Pete, I am amazed at how often I just mess the whole deal up, and God causes it to bring someone to Him, or mends someones marriage. God is faithful in being strong in our weakness.
Also Pete, I have seen some men be super arogant, and tell their wives how it is and how it is going to be. I have seen the eyes of some pastor’s wives as they withdraw, and shiver, and hide in their shell. I don’t ever want to do that to my lovely Queen. I never want to hurt her.
I sit here now thinking am I being too open. Do I let others know my thoughts. Do I just press the back key, or do I ask you to help us all find the balance.
I am ok [I thing]. I am not in pain, or depressed. My wife and I are fine. Not perfect, but very much in love with each other and with the Lord.
Forgive my rablings, but I wanted Pete to understand why I made the statement.
All you guys are free to use the statement.
Don’t tell your session “if their wives would take their arm out of their back, their lips would not move, and they would colapse as pupets”. Even if it is true, it might cause you some problems. Be more loving and gentle.
May God Bless you all
Shepherd to Shepherd
Clint