…Journal of a Pooped Pastor on a Study Break

The 6th Day…

It’s January 2010 and I begin this new decade with three decades of ministry laying thick on my soul. Thick on my soul. Heavy. Good and rich experiences and head shaking, “I can’t believe I went through that” experiences. Here I am physically healthy and mentally and emotionally, still quite tired actually after nearly a week in reflection, reading, prayer and study. Well, it’s been since last July that I had time away from hyper drive ministry. 6 months at it straight isn’t wise I know, but stuff happens in ministry and you can’t always get away when you should, if you can even afford to get away. I guess really it’s been 6 months and 30 years. I’m not complaining. I know I’m blessed. I’m at a friend’s home in the North Georgia mountains. I’m sitting on a soft couch in front of a nice fire place writing this. It’s sort of my fault that I haven’t come here before. He’s offered it over and over. Finally I took him up on his generosity. I wonder about my pastoral colleagues…you who might read this. I wonder…have you gotten away, by yourself…do you even have the opportunity I have had this week to do this? I want that for you. We in the pastorate don’t think we can get away or should take time off to study, even though EVERYBODY knows you need a break. (What about the pastor I know who takes a month a year off to study…he’s lasted a long time…mmm…no wonder)The complexities of our lives work against disconnecting ourselves from a very people/program/calendar connected life. We’re usually relationally and programtically overloaded.

Frankly I’m not ready to go back home yet, but I leave tomorrow morning to get back. It will be a drive of faith that I’ll be ready in fact by the time I need to be ready. Jesus does that for us and through us doesn’t He? What a great Savior.

1st Day…

A 7 hour drive away from town singing along with Laura Story (Great God Who Saves) and Small Town Poets…interspersed with Genesis on cd read by a guy with some million dollar voice. Genesis…the people were as dysfunctional and sinful back then as they are today. Genesis of course shows the real world, people as we really are, and our world as pastors. We deal with pride, ego, murders, lies, sexual misadventures, broken dreams, success stories, births and deaths, marriages and funerals, people’s bad choices and good choices. It’s our world and God promises early on (Gen. 3) to do something about it…and sure enough He has. But we still live in the “not yet”. That’s why we need a break. Living in the “not yet” is hard work and if we’re going to help others in the “not yet” of His Kingdom come, we’ve got to get away from it for a time. On the road, away from the epicenter of ministry for me helps me look up, worship, and relax some. Ministry in the rear view mirror means God’s in control back there and I don’t have to pretend that I am. So this week, I’m going to stop pretending that I am in control. Never was anyway!

2nd Day…

With Church Planters in a major city…sharing some of my thoughts on leadership. I love church planters and still consider myself one even though I haven’t planted more than one church (some of them have planted 5! I think they’re supermen) and it was a long time ago. These men are passionate, continual learners, intelligent, great question askers, hungry for help, sponges for inspiration and truth, bonded together for a common task, gifted, experienced. There is something absolutely supernatural about what they are doing…about what we are doing. Yes, ego motivates me, us, in what we do as pastors, but the altruistic call of our gracious God is also a major factor. Some of these men, and some of us are really humble because of past failures. One man I met years ago failed in his first church plant that he restarted three times. His wife left the organizing team of that church. He has one more opportunity to make this church go; hopefully his wife won’t go. What manner of man is this? What manner of men are we as pastors? Called men, seeking to follow our Lord wherever He calls us, and willing to die for Him.

We all could have done something else with our lives. Most pastors I know are so talented that they could have made more money, had more fun, and endured less struggle if they had not become pastors. But that is in the past. We pastors have been selected as warriors in the King’s business. While Warriors need rest, we also need to gather with other warriors, like these church planters. We need resources, interaction, motivation, coaching. We need each other.

Resolved: To spend some more time hanging out with fellow warrior-pastors not to flaunt what I know but to learn what they know…to absorb their humility…to inspire them if I can and to let them inspire me.

Day3…

Aloneness…unhurried reflection…no deadlines…no one to be a mother to…reading…journaling. YES! 24 pages of journal notes in one day? How can that be? A lot gets stuffed down in the course of our busy lives! We feel numb at times…positively numb from all the stimulus we get as pastors. Do you ever feel as though the emotions of other people are pressed into our soul like a French press coffee system? As the mind unwinds thoughts resurface and I get them outside of me and on to paper. That helps. I read and learn, and I am reminded how much other Bible teachers and Christian thinkers have to offer me. Great resources for pastors who have been at it a long time…By Bob Buford, Half Time; Game Plan; Stuck in Half Time; Finishing Well. Great reading…deep…I want to finish strong. I’m listening.

Day 4…

More of the same…I’m amazed that I can read this much, think this much, pray this much, be alone this much. Man I’m an extrovert and I like people. I must have needed this time away more than I thought. In the first half of life we want to be conquerers. In the second half we should be heroes…serving others. I wanted to be a success in the first half but really do find that I want God given significance in the second. We pastors really do go through major transitions in life and I’m in one for sure. Ok…the great adventure continues. What are you saying…where are you leading? What’s next???

Day 5…

Finding your core. To finish strong, find your core focus in life, the you that never changes, and serve people through that core. It takes time and thought and prayer, but we pastors eventually know what it is that gets us up in the morning. Staff or elder meetings? Planning? Programs? Counseling? Preaching? Worship planning? Developing disciples? What is it for you? Gotta know that. Gotta pursue that.

Day 7…

I’m on the way home. It’s been good to be away. Elijah got away, and then God brought him back into the battle. Ministry out my front windshield is coming, and I’m gearing back up. But I have more armor on than a week ago. I thought I would accomplish far more on this study break than I actually have accomplished. But I did get three weeks of sermon outlines done, and three weeks of commentaries read. The constant pressure of every seven days builds up on me and I get into this weekly frantic “gotta get the sermon done”, and Lord please don’t let an emergency happen this week.

Afterwards: Back at work…well, the four days away really paid off…These weeks are better because I have some sermons done ahead…well, most of the sermon anyway…I’m finding that I can listen more this week for what He actually wants me to say to my people in the sermon, because I have some of the spade work of Scripture study already done. Still and all, I have to depend upon my Lord every day. I’m not a superman.

To my pastor friends: As you listen in to my journals, maybe you’ll plan some time away. No guilt here, but you ought to try and make it happen if you haven’t gotten away in a while. I need you, they need you in the game brother.

You take it to heart,

Pete Alwinson

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