Let’s see now, how spiritually mature do I need to be to retain my position as a pastor anyway? One leader said: “I hate being a Christian leader when I stink at being a Christian.” Maturity and leadership…Christlikeness and being an undershepherd of Christ. Of course they go together, but how?

This past semester I opened each class session of Theology of Ministry at the seminary where I am an adjunct professor, with a character study through I Timothy 3 and Titus 1. The qualifications for elder/pastor are clear and while my theological tradition is heavy on the intellectual grasp of the great doctrines of the faith, the Pastoral Epistles emphasize character in Christ as the hallmark of spiritual leaders. Of course it is Christ like maturity AND a grasp of the great doctrines of the faith which much characterize a pastor. I get that. Contemplation on these qualifications has led me to some honest realizations…to wit (as Steve Brown would say)

…I’ve been a senior pastor for some 28 years and I still have a long way to go in spiritual maturity when it comes to these qualifications for elder/pastor. Specifically I am not fully “respectable” (I Timothy 3.2). I still lack love in amazing ways. I’ve found that new life challenges and trials can still be surprisingly difficult even if you’ve walked with Jesus and worked for Jesus for a long time. Pastors have to learn to love through trials and I have had to do that a lot, but even experienced pastors hit major trials when they least expect them. Those trials which I face are like sharp knives that peel layers off the onion skin of my soul…exposing my real character. My core character is seen for what it is and it’s not pretty. The more I follow Jesus the more time there is for trials to expose my sin and thus, the more I see areas to grow that I didn’t see before. Frankly Jesus probably didn’t want me to see that ugly stuff earlier, lest I had gotten discouraged too early on. One guy put it is this way…”The closer you get to the light the more you see the dirt.” That is actually encouraging to me. Big trials that hit do reveal to me my sin more obviously and scream at me as to where I need to grow. I can honestly say that the level of sin in me is sometimes shocking, but I’m not blown away by it like I would have been early on in my life, because frankly I have been trying to stay close to the Light for a long time now. Should I be a Christian and leader with my sin level? Probably not. But my sin is more obvious to me now because I have been trying to stay close to the Light. The sin I sometimes now see in me is the result of His keeping me close. How can I be uptight about that?

…In I Timothy 1:12-17 Paul calls himself the foremost of sinners and I’ll gladly let him have that title. He didn’t glory in the bad stuff he did before coming to Christ, nor his present sins (whatever they were), but that he was loved and chosen anyway and called to be used in expanding the only Kingdom that will survive…Christ’s Kingdom. As I see deeper sin in my life I struggle with the thought of: “There is no way I ought to be pastor with my sin!” I want to feel worthy of my position as a senior pastor. The Enemy wants me to think that way of course. The position of pastor is one in which of course the greater maturity one exhibits, the more one gives evidence that he should be in that position. The position of pastor heightens the pressure to be Christ like. And we should be mature as pastors. I suspect because we aren’t super spiritual in reality and feel guilty for our lack of spirituality, we fake the outward spirituality and put pressure on our people to be spiritual. Better for me to admit the deep sin in my own life and realize that like Paul, I am a pretty accomplished sinner too who the Lord wants to use to reconcile people to God and to each other. A pastor is a sinner-saint on the same journey as his people. Good for me to remember. So should I be a pastor at my level of spiritual maturity? Probably not, but who else is Jesus going to use to lead the flock? I guess I probably will never feel worthy of the position of being a pastor. It might even be the case that the longer we serve Jesus and follow His Light, the more we will see that we really don’t deserve the position of pastor and will feel increasingly unworthy in it. As long as we drink in His grace that probably is a good place to be.

…2 Corinthians 4:7…the treasure of the Gospel in cracked-pots to show that the all surpassing power is of God and not of ourselves. As a spiritual leader, when I see my deep sin, the sin behind the sin (Tim Keller’s phrase) might be to ignore it all and not seek God’s power in my life…and not seek to be Spirit filled and not care about triumphing over this new area of sin which as been exposed. The Lord has and is using my sin to humble me ever more, no doubt part of His intent in the trials He sends. No matter what happens to me, no matter what position I am in as a leader or a non-leader in the church, I am going to follow Jesus. I John 3.2 is one of my hope verses. When I see Him, I’ll be changed and the battle will be over. So I’m not minimizing my sin…and some sins will render me unfit for being a pastor…but to bail out of the pastorate because I am an increasingly aware sinner will be to violate the principle that God uses cracked pots to shine His grace-glory to others. Should I be a pastor with my sin level? Probably not, but at least I know I’m broken and His glory is shining through, and that the only kind of pastor out there is broken like me. So I’m not going to ignore the sin, but I’m going to focus on His grace, and He will help me fight the sin that’s got to go. And I’m going to stay a pastor anyway even though I’m not great at being spiritual. Leadership in the church is difficult. Maturity is difficult. But, well, Steve’s words have helped me so many times…”there are no super-Christians.” My sin, newly discovered or anciently known, is an opportunity for omnipotence to work once again. Even in a pastor.

Stay in the fight with me,

Pete Alwinson

 Email This Post This entry was posted on Tuesday, May 4th, 2010 at 9:56 am and is filed under Pete Alwinson, Read. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.