Years ago, I was invited to a Presbytery of a Pentecostal denomination to talk about sexual abuse. It was an odd invitation. I am not often invited into Pentecostal circles and I am never invited to address Pastors on the topic of sexual abuse. I could not resist. I was not disappointed.
There were approximately 50 men, no women. They ranged in age from mid twenties to early seventies, and one octogenarian. The total number of years of ministry averaged about 23 per person—let me do the math for you. They had conjointly served 1150 years in ministry and likely preached (highly conservative estimate of once per week for 40 weeks a year) 46,000 sermons. Anyone who knows a bit about Pentecostal churches knows that it is more likely 50 weeks a year and several sermons a week but that would be over 100,000 sermons and someone might think with that figure that I am exaggerating. (Heaven forbid)
I told them that I was immensely gratified to be there and it was a rare and delightful privilege. And then I asked them for a show of hands as to who had preached a sermon that addressed sexual abuse that year. Not one hand. I asked about the last decade. Two hands. I asked in the history of their ministry and I had eight hands. I calculated the total number of sermons that had been preached on sexual abuse—12. (Two men had preached on the topic twice.) I’ll bore you with the percentage: .00026.
I, then asked them to consider why that was the case. The reasons were at times full of self-righteousness and others were suffused in guilt and self-incrimination. It took us 15 minutes for them to digest the immensity of what they were discovering: virtually no one talks about sexual abuse.
I then asked how many had preached on the story of Tamar. Hands all around the room shot up. I didn’t do an accurate hand-by-hand count but I’d say the majority of hands were up. I feared what I discovered. I obviously did this to make a point, but the data was brutal. A group of fifty men had (except for a handful) had never preached on the topic of sexual abuse, yet most had preached on the story of Tamar.
I had them react to what I had done and many felt duped and others felt profoundly exposed. One man said, “Well if you had told us that the story of Tamar was one of sexual abuse, then we would have known what you were asking the first time.” I pushed back and said, “If I hit you in the face and then asked if I had done something violent, would you need for me to define violence?” It is so obvious that to define the term sexual abuse in the context of Tamar would assault the intelligence of the hearer; unless, we refuse to name any assault against our face as violent.
How in God’s name could a room of bright, godly, good men (where no woman is allowed to venture or speak) not see the story of Tamar as one of sexual abuse? I am still, a decade later, unnerved by their not connecting the dots.
Then comes the story of Joe Paterno and his failure to deal with the assault of a boy(s) in his cherished locker room. I don’t wish to vilify Paterno. I don’t know the story. I likely will never know. But how a man can assault a child in the late nineties and not have it come out to a public exposure until 2011 and still sustain Paterno’s implicit support in the accused abuser’s non profit and for the man to be able to work out and take showers in the same locker room is more egregious than I can fathom?
That is until I remember my time with the Presbytery. We simply don’t talk about or engage the issues of sexual abuse in polite company, especially in the realm of good ol’ boy cultures. One will never make it up the ranks of any male culture—church, sports teams, military, police, etc. if you talk about the reality of perpetrators and victims of sexual abuse.
I am only too aware that all those realms have women involved to one degree or another, but most are still considered male dominated cultures that let women in only by the skin of their teeth. One only needs to look at how seldom sexual assault is reported in the military and what happens when it is to know that we live in a vastly silent and sexually abusive culture that refuses to tell the truth and take the truth to the bone to marrow consequences when it is know.
Let me tell you, then about my sense of what will happen with JoePa. He will apologize; he already has done so. His place in the refined world of super coaches will be preserved and it is likely an honor that should not be taken from him. But I doubt to my bones that he will come out and talk about his own cowardice or his own history of past abuse, or his wife’s—or someone close to him like a mother or father. I promise someone near him has been abused and whether that has directly silenced him or only unwittingly kept him quiet, I don’t know. But I know that everyone in America is relating directly and intimately with at least one person who has been sexually abused. And damn it, we don’t talk about it.
A friend said: “Maybe the publicity related to this will be the moment that men begin to name it for themselves and their institutions.” Maybe. Most days I can only smile and say, “I’ll pray.”
Let me take a bit of a turn. Why should you preach on sexual abuse from Tamar and many other passages? Why should the words sexual abuse be uttered in the presence of children and adults, the young and the aged? The answer: the bible tells these stories and it doesn’t discriminate on the issue of age, social position, or false propriety. But what we do know is that a number of the elders, deacons, and leading givers in the church have abused and/or been abused. Certainly, some of their wives have been abused. And all hell will break forth if you take on a topic of such loaded, societal and personal consequences. It isn’t the issue of not being popular, like preaching on tithing; it is potentially a job ending sermon or series. The cost of crossing the line to join the abused—especially the abused who go to church to never hear or have to address portions of their past brought to the surface is eviction. To violate their shame-held sanctity, or the purity of the pulpit and the glory filled white pews is anathema. We simply do not talk about things like that in our church. Period. But Jesus loves the little children and even those dirty and sexually impure people who do terrible things. But nevertheless, we don’t break the code; not here, not on Sunday morning.
Why should we talk about sexual abuse? In church? During a sermon?
Evil is winning the vast struggle of sexuality and its kingdom advances when good men refuse to name, let alone address its work. When we are silent, evil takes up the platform and its message is death.
Evil hates the glory of God. It hates human beings because we reveal the glory of God through gender. The war for the human heart is fought on the terrain of gender. Evil wishes to destroy the pleasure and honor of being male and female and will not stop doing so until we utterly fail to reveal God’s glory.
If the glory of God is revealed through ‘male and female, he made us in the image of God’, then we must enter this war and discussion by doing vastly better than inviting people to prescribed gender roles that makes Christians look like they are stuck in the 1950’s. We must, at least, name what evil does to ruin our bodies through shame and contempt, especially through the pervasive assault of sexual abuse.
We need to develop a theology of sexuality that says NO not merely to immorality and sexual sin, but to all violations of human sexuality and dignity—especially abuse, rape, date-rape, sexual violations in marriage, pornography, prostitution, and sex slavery. This ought not be seen as a risky, irrelevant, or social ill that is not germane to the gospel.
One last thought—Penn State is going to be devastated with phenomenal losses due to victim settlements. Penn State is not going to want these victims to go to civil courts and begin the process of corporate disclosure of the systemic buffoonery, neglect or dereliction to the highest levels of their institution. It would cost them tens of millions of dollars in legal fees, lost donor support, and the inevitable ill will that prolonged court battles tend to create.
They will settle for a pretty penny. And so will you. When abuse in your church is discovered and an attorney asks you for your policy to address sexual abuse accusations in your church and you say, “We don’t have one.” When the deposition begins to roll and you are asked why you didn’t report a suspected situation of abuse and you can’t truthfully answer: “He is a powerful force in our church and I ‘d have lost my job if I even intimated that I was concerned.” It will not go well. Not for you, or for your church. No one needs to tell me that these are dark and dangerous waters. Having been accused of many things (not child sexual abuse) that could have ended my ministry I am only too aware of the power of the tribunal of the public, blogs, and the reality that the accused is guilty in the media until proven innocent and by the time innocence is declared, it doesn’t matter because the reputation, life, family, and health of the accused is ruined.
Evil wins on both sides of the aisle and it takes as much joy from one form of harm as the other. We are not to move precipitously to develop policy or change our sermon plans in the next day.
But will you schedule a sermon on sexual abuse before June of 2012?
Will you ask an attorney in your church or community how to develop a plan that is approved by the board/elders if suspicions occur about sexual abuse in your church family?
Will you pray and ask several mature and godly women, who are unafraid to be honest and are sensitive to the realities of their world–are we a culture where sexual violations—apparently small and egregious as double-entendre’s to sexual abuse could occur?
I have given up much hope for my generation to address these issues. We are mostly too close to retirement and too comfortable in our positions to risk the fire fight necessary to make this more than an occasional cultural flame that shoots up bright and hideous for a moment, but assuredly will go back to the shadows. But maybe it is one of many issues, those in the twenties and thirties will demand we face and name in order to retain our integrity. If not, there are hungry lawyers waiting to be used as Babylon to bring us to our knees.
May we listen well rather than be forced into exile with JoePa.
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November 15th, 2011 at 5:56 pm
In three major assumptions: 1) about the pastors you spoke to (sounded like the super-hero of “stump the chump” in your own version of your message to them), 2) about the under-reporting of sexual assault in the military, and 3) your “promise” that someone near Joe-Pa has been abused, you appeared fairly overstated. I agree that this is under-reported (sexual abuse), but would say that Tamar – a story of a whore-monger, an abuser of women, not a child sexual abuser (and I’ve taught this one, btw) – is not a great example of why pastors are negligent in preaching about this topic, especially since many deal, as I do, with the policies that we post regularly and enforce diligently concerning adult access to children in our nurseries, Sunday schools and children’s activities. Perhaps you’ve under-valued exactly what teaching goes on that is not in sermon form? Are you from a denomination that believes the sermon is the all-mighty teacher? Are there not also conversations arising from daily contact with our congregants and teaching opportunities other than the highly vaunted sermon? (I’m posting from a friend that linked you on FB, and I’m a former cop, as well, so I may not have a fair perspective on this or on your background.)
Sex abuse in the military? (Oh, and I’m a chaplain in the military.) Why just the military? Is it so well-reported in regular society? Would love to hear why you chose the military, as opposed to Microsoft or the White House (since it was recognized as a hostile work environment for women recently – and who needs to bring up interns in blue dresses when talking about the White House?). The military is perhaps one of the best-reported arenas in society for sexual harassment and abuse, given the protections and despite the culture. The rest of society tends just to accept the abuses and move on. I would dare say that the military, while not perfect, is still working very hard on the issue. We get a much more powerful look, simply because those who look CAN look into our situation more deeply than they can in any other institution. When the EPA wants to make a statement about fuel spills, they don’t go to the big corporations. They go to the military exercises and shut us down over a few drops of AVGAS (a type of diesel) spilled in the desert. I doubt you’ll find such a penetrating look into how Senators treat their pages (a la Barney Frank) or how Corporate CEO’s treat their secretaries
And what’s up with the easy assumption that Joe-Pa has been close to someone who was sexually abused? In a society with 1 out of 4 women sexually abused and 1 out of 7 males? That’s not a huge stretch, but it becomes ridiculous to assume that Joe-Pa did what he did out of being silenced by familiarity. Joe-Pa comes from an entirely different generation. They dealt with things differently than do we. Right or wrong, they did not do what we do with it. We can analyze it as being silenced, and add great psychoanalytical language to critique it, but they did things differently.
BTW, what we do is no better. We report it to police, only to allow judges to do the dismissing of the act and the hand-slapping of offenders, rather than us doing the hand-slapping ourselves. In fact, this is what apparently happened in the case of Sandusky – Hand slapping after he apologized before police and a judge that has been very, very easy on him. What all too often happens is that charges that would bring a two-strikes violation (in WA) gets plead to a lesser charge of assault with sexual intent (or just dropping the intent altogether), and the offender either gets a non-strike charge or gets a non-sexual charge altogether. Until WE are willing to punish to a great degree what our forebears padded with a “good ol’ boy” approach (my grand-parents saw “good ol’ boy” as kicking the guys ass when he was found out, not peddling it to an anemic court system), we will never be any better than them. And until we punish the offender, all the “teaching” in church we do (through sermons, ack-gak) will amount to nothing, since no offender will ever be deterred by the threat of public humiliation or a hand slap.
If you want to teach about potential child sexual abuse, let’s teach about Samuel and Eli, or about any other child left wholly in the hands of clergy out of religious fervor (or, in Sandusky’s case, in the hands of the modern sports clergy out of the same religious fervor). If you really want to stop sexual abuse, punish it. Severely. Stigmatize it. Deeply. Our society is widening, not narrowing, the path of sexuality. In fact, why would we even be concerned with Sandusky in a society of massive pornographic addiction, heterosexual promiscuity and homosexual acceptance? There is simply no societal deterrent right now to an ever-expanding palate for those with deviant sexual desires.
As the Church, I agree that we must teach. And I’m not talking about doing so through sermons, but through leadership vigilance and through accountable, inter-generational mentoring. No sleeping alone in the temple with Eli. No minister, anywhere, deserves that trust. But that’s not enough. Punishment MUST follow, and swiftly. We must be politically active in bringing Biblical boundaries to human sexuality. If we don’t do that, all of the teaching we do will have little effect. Perhaps pastors of my era are more aware. Perhaps not. But in a profession that suffers as much from porn addiction as the average society, should we look at encouraging pastors to teach on this, or should we rather encourage them to adopt a different model for their ministry? Perhaps a move from the Corporate CEO model of pastoring to the accountable, transparent and relational shepherd that Jesus taught? I think our pastoral model is the issue, not the lack of teaching. What we teach is an issue of who we are. It’s easier to teach finances and leadership and “10 ways to be a best friend” when that’s really what we’re concerned about.
November 15th, 2011 at 7:11 pm
Much much thanks JoePa! I was a social worker for 20 yrs, leader in our church, am an incest survivor and have watched men forfeit integrity time and time again for the sake of maintaining the statue quo, better known as the almighty dollar. There is no protection for the powerless in this system. Jesus has a lot of feelings about the powerless and i am wondering what it would look like if we started paying attention to His status quo for a change.
Grace to you for this day.
Nita
November 15th, 2011 at 11:46 pm
I would like to build on Chris’ points about the US Military and Sexual Abuse. No other organization in this nation goes through as much training about this subject as the military. No major corporations provide training like the Army’s SHARP program (www.sexualassault.army.mil/). No one else in this nation is subject to Title 10 of the US Code (Uniform Code of Military Justice), specifically Article 120.
You write very well, don’t destroy your credibility by making assumptions.
November 16th, 2011 at 4:32 am
I appreciate that you wrote this article and I fully get your points. As someone who was a molested as a child and have had many friends and some family who have suffered sexual abuse I know that we come in contact with abusers and victims of their abuse every day. We would rather talk about alcohol or drug abuse. That’s safe. Not sexual abuse. Good words you share.
For those praising the military, I don’t in this case. I lived on a military base and was sexually abused by a neighbor when I was a child. I reported it to my parents and thank God they believed me. However, the authorities did not and NOTHING was done. And he continued to live next door to us until he was transferred to another base. See, I was just a powerless kid. He was a man with a job and power. He also beat up his wife often enough. That was never reported. She was just a woman. No one stood up for her. Everyone I knew only whispered about her bruises and black eyes. Shame on us. Abuse is not a private issue. We ought to do better.
November 16th, 2011 at 4:42 pm
Renee my heart hurts on your behalf. Thank you for being a voice for those who’s voice has been stolen. Thank you Dan Allender for your prophetic courage in this text.
November 16th, 2011 at 5:43 pm
Dan, very well said. It is nice to see someone discuss this issue with the passion and fury that it deserves rather than in the guarded, self-protecting, overly-cautious tone that is so much more common.
Also, No offense to any other commenters, but I think your assertion about the military and some resultant replies have also inadvertently illustrated how easy it is for us to automatically protect our institutions in the face of claims of sexual abuse rather than erring on the side of protecting potential victims. Smells like Penn State.
November 21st, 2011 at 8:47 pm
I want to thank you for this article. I was sexually abused on at least two occasions by older male family members when I was just a young child. I put this in my subconscience, eventhough I knew it was on the back burner. I became heavily involved in porn as a youngster, which led to other stuff. I hated myself, for I never liked what I was doing. I got married, but still felt like sex was dirty. I could not understand why, until one day about 7 years ago I was going to lunch with one of my church’s ministers. We were talking about something about our church, when like a sledge hammer hit me. I suddenly said I had been sexually molested when I was a boy. I suddenly could remember what happened. To my surprise, I he told me the exact same thing had happened to him when he was young. I didn’t tell my wife for about three months because I was afraid of what she might think. In the meantime, I told only 5 other men what had happened to me. I knew God was opening a door for me when all 5 said the same thing happened to them. These were men of clergy, deacons and one being the president of a large Assembly of God college. When I told my wife, she just held me tightly, loving me more than ever. Since that day, I have made it a point to tell my story to anyone who would listen. I still tell this story, because satan tried to make me feel I that was something was wrong with me. Now I know the real story. God does have a purpose in my life. Never let anyone tell you that sexual abuse doesn’t run rampant in our society. Just start asking and then listening. Once again thank you for this article.
November 26th, 2011 at 12:07 am
cov-pres.org/teaching/desires.php
Early this year, my husband preached a series called “Consuming Desires,” addressing from the pulpit the very issues of abuse and related topics Dan is known for. Friends, you can do this with the courage and conviction God gives. Start by addressing it in your own heart and life, then shepherd your congregation.
Take back the ground evil has stolen by bringing the truth about the goodness of sexuality and its rampant abuses to your congregation. They are waiting for you to free them with God’s truth…
You are welcome to use the above series as a model…
As an epilogue to the series preached in early Jan and Feb. of this year (2011)…the congregation received the teaching with great courage, and many issues came to light in individuals, families and marriages. It was exciting to be able to point people in the direction of healing, that may not have otherwise occurred, had no one ever spoken of it.
We have since begun ministry in another church, whose search committee chose Ken for his obedience to Christ in preaching truth in all its fullness.
Your people are waiting for you to step out in faith and courage and address the tough issues, partners in Gospel ministry.
PS – Go Dan. You knew this would ruffle the feathers. It’s what you do best. And we stand shoulder-to-shoulder with you.
December 9th, 2011 at 8:38 am
As a young teen, I was sexually abused by my father, who happened to be the pastor of our church. I never told anyone until I became engaged. I knew I had to tell my future husband. I knew this was something very wrong in our family, but I had no idea that it would have such a huge effect on my life.
I’ve been in church my whole life. I not only went Sunday morning, but Sunday School, youth group, Sunday night, Wednesday night and usually a few times in between. I have heard a pastor mention this in a sermon once!
Because of my silence, my father began the abuse on my 2 little girls. My heart breaks to say that this is what it took to get me to break the code of silence. I was scared to stand up for myself, but my rage erupted when my daughters became involved.
Silence is the golden gem that allows sexual sin to survive. Silence is a powerful force. It is a prison for the abused. There are men and women, boys and girls sitting in each row of the church that are in prison.
Breaking the silence shines the light on this dark prison.