It was late in the evening. I had worked a 14-hour day. We just returned home from a bible study I was leading and I was bracing myself on the other side of the counter looking in at my frustrated wife standing in the middle of the kitchen when it hit me – we don’t have a good marriage.
It was a debilitating epiphany.
Kelly was my girlfriend in 5th grade. I remember thinking how beautiful she was (still is). She had hair that looked like curly fries (still does). We had even gotten in trouble for kissing on the playground. Even though I didn’t grow hair in certain areas until I was in High School, I was still an aggressive 10-year-old. We dated in High School. Married in college. Now eight years and three kids later we stood across from each other confused, unable to communicate and pretty much depleted.
How did this happen?
Hardly a day goes by that someone doesn’t tell us what a great couple we are or how cute our family is.
I felt an incredible numbness. I couldn’t move. I didn’t want to. I didn’t want to pursue her. I spend 50 plus hours a week pursuing people. That’s my job! When I come home I want to rest. I want a break. I just want to watch TV.
Does she not know that? Have I not shared with her all the affirmation I have been receiving from the people I’ve been pursuing? Does she not know all the good I’m doing? Does she not know that people need me?
How did this happen to me?
My dad owns a commercial tile construction company. During the summers of my High School days, I would work for him. I hated it. But tonight the thought of laying tile, even though it is hard, laborious work, seemed so restful. Maybe if I were a tile-setter I would want to be the “spiritual leader” of my family, because I don’t now. I don’t have the capacity.
Earlier that same day I was preparing a lesson on the feeding of the 5,000. Before Jesus performed this miracle, he asked Philip, one of his disciples, “Where shall we buy bread for these people to eat?” The author then tell us that Jesus already knew that he was going to solve the problem miraculously.
So why did Jesus ask?
When confronted with an overwhelming need or a debilitating epiphany, what’s our response?
Philip’s response was “It would take almost a year’s wages to buy enough bread for each one to have a bite!”
Looking at my 5th grade girlfriend, grown-up and heartbroken, my response was “I can’t fix this and I don’t have the energy to try. At least not right now. I have a few things I have to get done at work first. Right now all I want to do is watch TV.” And that’s what I did.
Standing in the kitchen I knew what my response should be. I still know what my response should be. It’s part of my job to know the right response. But even as I write these thoughts down, evoking pretty s*!tty feelings about myself (please don’t go back and read my previous post…you will all turn on me), I still don’t really want to turn to Jesus with my overwhelming need.
Another of his disciples, Andrew, Simon Peter’s brother, spoke up, “Here is a boy with five small barley loaves and two small fish, but how far will they go among so many?”
Jesus said, “Have the people sit down.” There was plenty of grass in that place, and they sat down (about five thousand men were there).
Jesus then took the loaves, gave thanks, and distributed to those who were seated as much as they wanted. He did the same with the fish.
So glad it’s all about grace.
Zach
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February 16th, 2010 at 12:49 pm
I appreciate your story, as I live in the same world. My wife and I have been doing Worship ministry for over 10 years now. At first we were in it together, but now we’re so far apart that sometimes I can’t see where we started. I love her dearly, but find it difficult to even think about persuing her, as I once did. We have gone for some good counseling for a few years, but that didn’t fix it. I’ve tried, but I can’t fix it either.
About 6 years ago I was really frustrated and I remember spending an enormous amout of time crying out to God, “Please help me with this, please fix this marriage ’cause I don’t know waht to do anymore!!!” After a few weeks of this and feeling really stressed, I finally got an answer for God. I knew it was God ’cause I wouldn’t have said it to myself.
God told me, “I never promised you that I’d fix your marriage, I just told you that I’d be there with you through it”.
Man did that piss me off!!! I spent more time yelling at God and arguing with Him, and then in a shorter space of time, He spoke again (again I knew it was Him, ’cause I wouldn’t have said it) He said, “My grace is sufficient”. That also didn’t make me happy, until it sunk in.
He keeps reminding me of that. Our marriage isn’t that much better, we have our good moments, and I’m still trying to fix things (mostly unsuccessfully) and God keeps showering me with grace. I soooo need it!
Mike
February 17th, 2010 at 11:03 pm
Hi Mike.
Thanks for your honest and vulnerable response.
We all need to know we aren’t the only ones who struggle and don’t have it all together.
Just prayed for you with great thankfulness for you.
Zach
February 22nd, 2010 at 10:57 pm
Zach, Thank you for the warning that the rest of us must heed. When I was a student at the Moody Bible Institute one of my professors Dr. Dwight Perry said that Satan sometimes can’t attack you professionally so he then goes after your family. If he can take your family down then he has taken you down too. I’ve been married almost 23 years and I can tell you that there are times when I am in the groove relationship wise and then there are times I am not. It’s just something you got to get through. I agree with you that sometimes we give a lot out and we don’t have enough attention for our families when we get home. To be honest at times I am not sure what to do about it. Anybody else got some wisdom?
February 28th, 2010 at 1:02 am
Wisdom on that subject no, but I know how you feel. After a full day of ministering to different personalities, you just want a safe place where all is right. We long for our wives to be on the same chapter, page and verse that we are channeling, but it seems that this is not the way it works.
We must remember however that God has orchastrated our past, present, and future and if we are truly following him, he knows and understands our needs even if our best friend in our wife doesn’t.
I have been preaching that you cannot have perfect peace unless we wait on God for the large and small things in life. Now we are selling our house and my wife wants to know every aspect of the plan for the next 10 moves, however I’m not wise enough to tell her, I’m waiting on God. She is troubled by this. She sees things differently.
As men of God, we must always choose the cross first and family may or maynot understand that they must be second. Wives hate this in their heart of hearts, but this must be. We however must keep our hearts and minds and lives pure so that we are not chasing other motives and missing out on our families lives. Only the footsteps of Jesus can be more important. One assignment at a time with his leading.
May 29th, 2010 at 11:06 am
How long have you two been married? (No, your long courtship doesn’t count.) I have to tell you that the first fifteen years of my marriage were pretty stinky. As God shapes our hearts, they tend to fit together in new and better ways. I feel so sorry for people who give up before they get to the good part! I’m celebrating 30 years this week, and I can only wonder what our 60th anniversary will be like. Strength for the road, Zach, with much love and gratitude in Christ.
May 29th, 2010 at 8:19 pm
Louise.
We will have been married 9 years this August. (So I can’t count all the years starting back in 5th grade?)
Thanks for the encouraging words and CONGRATS on 30 years!
Thankful for you.
Zach
June 22nd, 2010 at 4:51 pm
My wife and I will celebrate 37 years of marriage this December. I met her in a church revival one night and I fell for her on the spot. We dated three years and we were married on December 14, 1973. She is the apple of my eye. Our marriage hasn’t been easy. I am the pastor of a small church and she teaches the preschool class. Everytime our church starts to grow, satan will do something to try and discourage us. Sometimes we take each other for granted. That’s when I have to lay down some of the work I do and take her out on a date. I need to find the right balance in my life between work and home. I am doing better but I have a ways to go yet. We could not have made it this far if we didn’t have God in our lives. Remember us when you pray.
Doug & Marilyn
June 23rd, 2010 at 8:56 am
37 years! Wow.
Thanks for the encouragement.
Just prayed for you and Marilyn.
July 6th, 2010 at 5:48 pm
There is something that happens inside of us, when as men of good will, we look at the woman before us, after having known the girl, and we realize that she carries pain and sadness that we have had a hand in creating. I don’t mean that we personally are responsible for every line of care or every disappointment with life, but we are there to defend, protect and hold this girl through all of life’s storms, and the truth is many times we are at the center of those storms creating the turmoil and not sheltering her from it. Zach, if I could, I would go back and do so many things differently. I would pour way more time into my girl than I poured anywhere else. I would talk to her more, listen to her more, and look at her more. I would spend less time at church. I would spend less time with the “needy” people in the church (who are always going to be needy until Jesus comes). I would put as much effort, time and expense into knowing her, understanding her and continuing to win her heart, as I have any church related project.I would go to the mall and to the beach with her, even though I hate those things passionately, and I would choose to have a good time doing it.
I am on a journey to change an outcome, and I am convinced it would have been more profitable, to me, my children, and Jesus, to never have gotten here in the first place. We have been together since grade nine, (we are now in our fifties) and I know that what we have is not what she thought she was getting,not even close, and by the time I figured it out it almost felt like it was irreparable…but it was not, it is not. We can change, we can choose better paths with greater return for the ones we love.
Let the picture in the kitchen sink in and etch itself indelibly into the screen in your mind, and beside it place a picture of that girl with the glow and the look in her eyes that you saw when you fell in love with her.By God’s grace you have a long time ahead of you and there is much that can be done to trade in the mistress of ministry, for the wife of our youth and our first love, Jesus.
July 7th, 2010 at 2:58 pm
Wow, Stan. That’s a pretty incredible charge and response. Thank you for sharing it. I’m sure it will benefit all those on this site. It definitely has brought me to repentance and faith. Just prayed for you and your girl with tremendous thankfulness for both of you.
September 29th, 2010 at 2:51 pm
Wow Stan, that is really convicting. I saw a glimpse of hope for my marriage.
December 20th, 2011 at 11:39 pm
My last post here is sobering to go back and read. Alot of water has passed under the proverbial bridge. Two months after posting, my wife decided that she could not go forward in supporting me in ministry. Our marriage was on the ropes.It was a terrible time to see a widening gap between myself and the women I knew I wanted to be with forever. It was only faith in God that saved things.Lonliness consumed me at times, but I kept trusting that God could make us better than we were in the first place. Now our marriage seems better than ever. We communicate, negative and positive aspects of our marriage. I continue on a daily basis to let her know that she is not alone and that I love her. I thank God for the blessing he placed in my life July of 1994.In ministry now,31 months.